I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Free him
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.