The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again