I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.
If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Bears love that song.
My way or the highway. It takes two to tango. What I’m saying is, “welcome to idiom club”. Now, let’s cut to the chase.
Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.
The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.
The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.
They say it’s the journey that matters and not the destination, which is good because I’ve no clue where I’m going.
I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like “holy shit, I’m definitely not displaying any symptoms!”