MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
You Might Also Like
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff