I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go