Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TheThomason's best tweets

@TheThomason : Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said "Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you're gonna smoke a whole pack."

@TheThomason: New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he's the Joker.

@TheThomason: One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

@TheThomason: Finally got the "Josh Duggar is good" neck tattoo I've wanted for years, now let me just read today's news as I take a large sip of water...

@TheThomason: Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

@TheThomason: Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

@TheThomason: Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was "give them their own school."

@TheThomason: Fun way to make someone question everything: comment "you are so brave" on all their selfies.

@TheThomason: Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

@TheThomason: Obama: "Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?" Drops mic, walks away.