Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.