@TheTimmyToes

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

@TheTimmyToes

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

@TheTimmyToes

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

@TheTimmyToes

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

@TheTimmyToes

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

@TheTimmyToes

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*