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Page of TheTimmyToes's best tweets

@TheTimmyToes : If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn't get to go

@TheTimmyToes: *sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You've made a powerful enemy today, baby

@TheTimmyToes: *hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

@TheTimmyToes: BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

@TheTimmyToes: [makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]

@TheTimmyToes: *hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

@TheTimmyToes: I just want to be rich enough to say "that won't be necessary" when the police go to handcuff me

@TheTimmyToes: *tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

@TheTimmyToes: *thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: "STAY STRONG, MEN!"
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*