Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
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BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.