ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants