@TheToddWilliams: [Arthur's Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be'est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

@TheToddWilliams: [Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We'd like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn't he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, "Have Mercy"?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I'll allow it

@TheToddWilliams: COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I'm a c--

COP: It's because you're a cow.

@TheToddWilliams: WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don't think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

@TheToddWilliams: {phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I'll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you're close

MR. TURTLE: I'm like 10 ft away

@TheToddWilliams: [creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it's physically impossible cause you're all too fat lol

BEE: ...

GOD: Ok fine I'll figure it out

@TheToddWilliams: EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

@TheToddWilliams: ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You're just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won't...Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

@TheToddWilliams: ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees