No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
idk flipping houses looks really hard
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Choose your fighter
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.