Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TheTweetOfGod's best tweets

@TheTweetOfGod : Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.

@TheTweetOfGod: "So help Me God."

No. Don't order Me to help you. I'm God, you bipedal worm.

@TheTweetOfGod: You're either part of the problem or the entire problem.

@TheTweetOfGod: Never throw somebody under the bus unless you're sure it's moving.

@TheTweetOfGod: Legally, everyone’s innocent until proven guilty.

Actually, everyone’s innocent until they commit a crime.

@TheTweetOfGod: Only he who has walked through the deepest valley knows how other valleys of lesser depth are relatively more walk-throughable, valley-wise.

@TheTweetOfGod: Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.

@TheTweetOfGod: The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you're one of them.

@TheTweetOfGod: Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.