@TheTweetOfGod

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.

@TheTweetOfGod

“So help Me God.”

No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.

@TheTweetOfGod

Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.

@TheTweetOfGod

Only he who has walked through the deepest valley knows how other valleys of lesser depth are relatively more walk-throughable, valley-wise.

@TheTweetOfGod

Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@TheTweetOfGod

Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.