Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TheTweetOfGod's best tweets

@TheTweetOfGod : Never throw somebody under the bus unless you're sure it's moving.

@TheTweetOfGod: Legally, everyone’s innocent until proven guilty.

Actually, everyone’s innocent until they commit a crime.

@TheTweetOfGod: Only he who has walked through the deepest valley knows how other valleys of lesser depth are relatively more walk-throughable, valley-wise.

@TheTweetOfGod: Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.

@TheTweetOfGod: The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you're one of them.

@TheTweetOfGod: Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.

@TheTweetOfGod: Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

@TheTweetOfGod: Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he'll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

@TheTweetOfGod: White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

@TheTweetOfGod: Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I'm thinking you.