I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
choose your fighter
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.