My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret