BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
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Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
describing stardew valley
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???