Sorry I made promises on Friday
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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.