Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.