Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TheTweetOfGod's best tweets

@TheTweetOfGod : Attention: Will the owners of a blue planet with plate tectonics please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

@TheTweetOfGod: My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

@TheTweetOfGod: Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

@TheTweetOfGod: Great news! Chipotle is giving out thousands of free burritos tomorrow! That means I’ll be seeing thousands of you by this weekend!

@TheTweetOfGod: I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

@TheTweetOfGod: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they're darker than, say, beige."- Statue of Liberty.

@TheTweetOfGod: The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.

@TheTweetOfGod: I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.

@TheTweetOfGod: The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what's truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@TheTweetOfGod: I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.