@TheTweetOfGod: I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.
@TheTweetOfGod: The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what's truly important in life, like their iPhones.
@TheTweetOfGod: I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
@TheTweetOfGod: "Lord, can I have a pony?" Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
@TheTweetOfGod: Stuck in church. Everyone’s singing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”. Damn, My son has some stupid friends.
@TheTweetOfGod: "God is good all the time!" Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
@TheTweetOfGod: Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
@TheTweetOfGod: Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
@TheTweetOfGod: Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.