(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
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I’m calling the cops.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?