God has left this place
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft