wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
thank god
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.