Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…