@TheWadest

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

@TheWadest

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

@TheWadest

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

@TheWadest

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@TheWadest

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

@TheWadest

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…