You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.