@TheWinegasm

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

@TheWinegasm

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

@TheWinegasm

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

@TheWinegasm

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

@TheWinegasm

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

@TheWinegasm

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

@TheWinegasm

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

@TheWinegasm

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what