Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.