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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”