Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Breaking news:
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
then why did i get this email
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*