Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
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Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *