Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
You Might Also Like
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
won’t smith
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?