Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
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[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
What personal space?
My dog
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
just leave it at the foot of the bed