On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
#Caturday
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Netflix and you sit over there.