it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery