“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…