Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
A million dollar idea: Diapers for birds.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”