If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
You Might Also Like
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?