Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*