by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church