Oh my god
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.