Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
your honor my client chooses dare
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.