writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.