doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
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I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch