Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Same pineapple, same
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.