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@ThingsJackDigs : PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds
@ThingsJackDigs: Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.
@ThingsJackDigs: Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?
*everyone looks at me*
Me [dressed as Batman]: that's not me, my name is Jack
@ThingsJackDigs: “You a cop?”
UNDERCOVER COP: No.
“So you wouldn't mind if I … threw these donuts away?”
UC: *sweats profusely*
@ThingsJackDigs: How to get laid:
Step 1: Be an egg
Step 2: That's literally it
@ThingsJackDigs: Chainsaws: because "The Texas Weed-whacker Massacre" just wasn't scary enough