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Page of ThingsJackDigs's best tweets

@ThingsJackDigs : PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds

@ThingsJackDigs: Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.

@ThingsJackDigs: Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?

*everyone looks at me*

Me [dressed as Batman]: that's not me, my name is Jack

@ThingsJackDigs: “You a cop?”


“So you wouldn't mind if I … threw these donuts away?”

UC: *sweats profusely*

@ThingsJackDigs: How to get laid:

Step 1: Be an egg
Step 2: That's literally it

@ThingsJackDigs: Chainsaws: because "The Texas Weed-whacker Massacre" just wasn't scary enough