3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Become ungovernable.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”