COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
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Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
What do you hear?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
one last job
mom had nothing to worry about
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.