Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
titanic
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Coffee for people with no kids
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
No regrets in 2018
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.