Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
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H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.