*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
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I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.