@ThisLocalHater

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

@ThisLocalHater

[Therapist’s office]
Husband: She takes everything, literally
T: What do you mean?
*Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I’m stealing*

@ThisLocalHater

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

@ThisLocalHater

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.