JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.