can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!