When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
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My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
same energy
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.