*covers himself in nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.