Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

@ThugRaccoons: Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

@ThugRaccoons: Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

@ThugRaccoons: You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

@ThugRaccoons: Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

@ThugRaccoons: Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!