@ThugRaccoons: Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
@ThugRaccoons: Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio....apartment....
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
@ThugRaccoons: Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
@ThugRaccoons: Genie: Be careful what you wish fo...
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
@ThugRaccoons: Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar