Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@ThugRaccoons : Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
@ThugRaccoons: Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
@ThugRaccoons: Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
@ThugRaccoons: Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
@ThugRaccoons: Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
@ThugRaccoons: Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
@ThugRaccoons: Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.