Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

@ThugRaccoons: Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

@ThugRaccoons: Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

@ThugRaccoons: Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

@ThugRaccoons: Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

@ThugRaccoons: My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!