Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied


It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.


Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!


Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?


Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?


Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon


Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it


Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:


Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?


Wife: No. The answer is no.