Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Wife: No. The answer is no.