Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

@ThugRaccoons: Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

@ThugRaccoons: Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.


Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

@ThugRaccoons: Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

@ThugRaccoons: Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

@ThugRaccoons: Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

@ThugRaccoons: Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.