Funny Tweeter

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Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

@ThugRaccoons: Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio....apartment....

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

@ThugRaccoons: Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

@ThugRaccoons: Genie: Be careful what you wish fo...

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

@ThugRaccoons: Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

@ThugRaccoons: Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar