Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Mom: Where are you?
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.