Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

@ThugRaccoons: Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

@ThugRaccoons: [Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

@ThugRaccoons: Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

@ThugRaccoons: Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

@ThugRaccoons: Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

@ThugRaccoons: Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now