I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
That’s not how days work.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
normalize having existential bread
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on